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THEN I INVENTED THE WORLD
By Stanley M. Herman
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Fanatical extremists, with a brilliant master plan, two big, dirty nukes, and a team of eager suicide bombers, plot a masterstroke of terror. Meanwhile, God is preoccupied in an online forum, chatting with a diverse group of human characters about his long simmering issues with humanity. The world’s best hope for survival is Legion, a cloned product of illegal Germline engineering, and perhaps God’s next prophet, unless he becomes Lucifer’s King of the World instead.
With God’s absence, Heaven is divided by internal dissension as its greatest general, the archangel Michael, and his colleague the archangel Uriel, plan a preemptive strike against Lucifer’s and his demons.
A startlingly credible “what-if” story that is as funny as it is exciting. Meet Lucifer, the slick yet sensitive leader of a bunch of misfit demons, in a hell that is crumbling from neglect, and his divine foes, archangels Michael and Uriel. Meet young Legion, the cloned billionaire industrialist who must choose between God's authority and the devil's temptations, including the irresistible Lilith—men go to bed early just so they can have bad dreams of her. And meet God, if that is who he really is, who needs to decide whether or not to just ditch this whole humanity thing and spend his time elsewhere.
Jan. 7 Instant messages
On a Thursday night Perry was doing her homework. Muffling the sounds of her parents arguing in their bedroom, she was also listening to an old heavy metal on her iPod and messaging in a Facebook chat with two hackers from Barcelona. Suddenly this instant message jumped onto her screen. It said, “LISTEN TO ME” and it was signed GOD.
This was just when the conversation with the hackers was getting good, so she was pretty bummed. Her first reaction was to hit delete, her second was to flip the sender some kind of a bird via return message and her third was to get curious. So she sent back, Who is this? Is this you, Ashley?
THIS IS GOD
Perry: Sure, and I’m Lady Gaga.
YOU ARE PERRY
Perry: Whoever you are I wish you would quit shouting at me with that upper case. That is totally not cool.
I ALWAYS SPEAK IN UPPER CASE AND I NEVER BOTHER WITH PUNCTUATION EXCEPT SOMETIMES PERIODS.
Perry: Well, you oughta be more considerate. And who are you really?
I AM REALLY GOD AND I WANT TO SPEAK WITH YOU
Perry: Why would God want to speak with me?
WHY WHY WHY WITH HUMAN BEINGS IT IS ALWAYS WHY WHY DID I SPEAK WITH ADAM OR ABRAHAM OR MOSES THERE IS A REASON DO I NOT ALWAYS HAVE A REASON
Perry: If this is really you, Ashley, it’s like totally not that funny. And, btw, for our English Lit homework, who was it who said, ‘The quality of mercy is not strained’?
IT WAS PORTIA IN THE MERCHANT OF VENICE WRITTEN BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE WHO AT THE TIME HE WROTE IT WAS BEING OPPRESSED BY CREDITORS THIS IS NOT ASHLEY SHE IS OUT ON A DATE TONIGHT AND HAS NOT DONE HER ENGLISH LITERATURE HOMEWORK
Perry: Oh? Then, what’s her date’s name?
HIS NAME IS WENDEL
Perry: Now I know it’s you, Ashley, how would God know your boyfriend’s name?
IS NOT GOD THE ALMIGHTY SOURCE AND DESTINATION OF ALL KNOWLEDGE HE KNOWETH ALL UPON WHICH HE SETS HIS MIND
Perry: If that’s so, tell me my father’s mother’s maiden name. I know you don’t know that, Ashley.
Perry: Where was she born?
KNOXVILLE TENNESSEE JUNE 11, 1939
Perry: Pretty cool! Who is this? For REAL???!!!
UNTO YOU HAVE I SPOKEN STILL YOU SLEEP
Perry: Say what? If you don’t mind could you talk a little plainer? It’s hard to understand you sometimes.
HAVE I NOT TOLD YOU TWENTY TIMES ALREADY WHO I AM
Perry: Not that I necessarily believe you, but let’s just say you are who you say, what would you want from a 16 year old girl in high-school who hardly even goes to church that much?
Perry: I didn’t know God had conversations with people on the Internet. I mean I know he talked to Moses and Jesus and other important leaders like that, and he gave them large, important information. You’re not going to weigh me down with some heavy message, are you? Because I don’t think I’m the right one for something like that. It makes me nervous just thinking about it.
DO NOT WORRY SO MUCH NO HEAVY MESSAGES JUST CONVERSATION
Perry: Besides, I’m not a very interesting person. Even people my own age at school don’t think I’m very interesting.
PERRY ENOUGH ALREADY WE WILL JUST TALK
Perry: Ok, what will we talk about?
MAYBE AS A START WE CAN GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER A LITTLE BETTER BY TELLING ABOUT OURSELVES
Perry: Ok, how about you going first, if you don’t mind.
DO YOU NOT HAVE GOOD MANNERS FIRST YOU SHOULD ASK GOD IF HE WANTS TO GO FIRST
IT IS ALRIGHT I AM FLEXIBLE I AM THE GOD OF BOTH THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS AND THE KORAN TOO THE FACE OF GOD IS AS AN ENDLESS SKY THAT HOLDS ALL SEASONS AT ONCE—THE AWAKENING OF SPRING THE HEAT OF SUMMER THE REGRETS OF FALL AND THE PUNISHMENTS OF WINTER I ENCLOSE THE BODY OF EVERYTHING THAT CAN BE TOUCHED AND THE MARROW OF ALL ELSE THAT CAN NOT BE GODS RADIATING SPLENDOR IS GOLDEN FOR THOSE TO WHOM HE REVEALS HIMSELF AND TERRIBLE TO THOSE WHO OFFEND HIM
Perry: That’s pretty awesome.
SO FAR I AM ONLY DESCRIBING MY NATURE MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS ARE EVEN MORE SO BY GOD’S MIND AND WITH HIS HANDS WAS THE WORLD MADE SOMETHING FROM NOTHING HE LAID THE EARTH’S FOUNDATION AND MARKED OFF ITS DIMENSIONS AND LAID ITS CORNERSTONE (Job 38:4) IT IS HE WHO HAS MEASURED THE WATERS IN THE HOLLOW OF HIS HAND OR WITH THE BREADTH OF HIS HAND MARKED OFF THE HEAVENS WHO HAS HELD THE DUST OF THE EARTH IN A BASKET OR WEIGHED THE MOUNTAINS ON THE SCALES AND THE HILLS IN A BALANCE (Isaiah 40:12) IT IS HE WHO LOOKS AT THE EARTH, AND IT TREMBLES WHO TOUCHES THE MOUNTAINS AND THEY SMOKE (Psalms 104:32)
ALL THE PEOPLES OF THE EARTH ARE REGARDED AS NOTHING HE DOES AS HE PLEASES WITH THE POWERS OF HEAVEN AND THE PEOPLES OF THE EARTH NO-ONE CAN HOLD BACK HIS HAND OR SAY TO HIM WHAT HAVE YOU DONE (Daniel 4:35)
FOR BY GOD ALL THINGS WERE CREATED THINGS IN HEAVEN AND ON EARTH VISIBLE AND INVISIBLE WHETHER THRONES OR POWERS OR RULERS OR AUTHORITIES ALL THINGS WERE CREATED BY HIM AND FOR HIM (Colossians 1:16,17)
SO TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT AMONG OTHER THINGS I INVENTED THE WORLD AND HUMANKIND AND GAVE PEOPLE TEN COMMANDMENTS AND A SON TO KEEP THEM ON THE RIGHT TRACK ANY QUESTIONS
Perry: You want me to be honest?
OF COURSE THOU SHALT NOT SPEAK FALSELY TO THY GOD BESIDES ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS I PICKED YOU WAS YOUR HONESTY BULL-THROWERS THERE ARE ALREADY TEN TIMES MORE THAN I NEED THESE DAYS
Perry: Why else?
WHY ELSE WHAT
Perry: Why else did you pick me?
BECAUSE YOU WERE THE RIGHT ONE TO PICK WHY DO YOU ASK YOU WANT ME TO BUILD UP YOUR EGO ENOUGH ALREADY LET US GET BACK TO THE SUBJECT
Perry: Well then, I don’t want to hurt your feelings or anything, but I don’t think you did a very good job inventing the world.
THOU HAST THE AUDACITY TO QUESTION THE ACTS OF THY GOD
Perry: You’re talking that funny way again. I just don’t think the world has turned out all that well. So many people are mean to each other and you don’t seem to do much to make them kinder to each other.
LISTEN I AM AFTER ALL GOD THE FATHER SO IT IS NOT MY JOB TO MAKE PEOPLE KIND BUT TO MAKE THEM STRONG IN THEIR DEVOTION TO ME IF I WANTED TO JUST GIVE AWAY UNCONDITIONAL LOVE TO EVERYONE I WOULD HAVE BEEN A MOTHER god
Perry: Well, maybe I’m just too critical a person. It would probably be better if you talked to someone else, like older and wiser and all.
NO IT WAS A REASONABLE COMMENT IT IS JUST THAT I AM NOT USED TO BEING CRITICIZED TO MY FACE I ADMIT IT BUT PLENTY OF GRUMBLING GOES ON BY INNUENDO AND I WILL TELL YOU IT STILL MAKES ME ANGRY IN THE OLD DAYS I GOT SO MAD YOU CAN NOT IMAGINE ACTUALLY IT IS INTERESTING YOU SHOULD SAY WHAT YOU SAID LATELY I HAVE BEEN THINKING A LOT ABOUT MY WORK EVERY NOW AND THEN IF YOU DO NOT OVERDO IT A LITTLE INTROSPECTION IS GOOD FOR YOU ANYWAY THE BAD THINGS THAT GO ON ARE NOT MY FAULT I BET A SMART YOUNG PERSON LIKE YOU CAN GUESS ABOUT WHOSE FAULT THEY ARE
Perry: Introspection means like thinking about yourself and your life, right? I do a lot of introspection too, trying to figure out what kind of a person I am and why I turned out so dorky.
YOU KNOW I REMEMBER AS IF IT WAS YESTERDAY JUST A COUPLE HUNDRED YEARS AGO YOUR TIME I WAS RELAXING AND LETTING MY MIND WANDER AND CONSIDERING MY LIFEWORK FROM THE BIG PICTURE POINT OF VIEW TO BE PERFECTLY FRANK I HAD TO ADMIT I HAVE DONE VERY WELL I SET OUT TO MAKE A NAME FOR MYSELF AND I DID IT MY AMBITION WAS GET TO THE TOP AND BY-ME WHEN YOU ADD UP THE JEWS CHRISTIANS AND MUSLIMS MY TOTAL IS WAY OUT IN FRONT AND WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT WHO IT IS THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT AND POWERFUL PEOPLE GO TO CHURCHES MOSQUES AND SYNAGOGUES ABOUT AGAIN I AM NUMBER ONE I AM NOT BOASTING YOU KNOW JUST STATING FACTS
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